Richie Tenenbaum--all the way.

God this got long quickly.

I'm boned. Did it to myself, though. I suppose I'm being irrational, but given the fact that he's one of the only people she's now talking to regularly, and given Niki's reaction (as a fellow woman) I realize I've more or less just pushed her into his open arms, and we'll just have to see if she actually goes into them. Hooray. Oh well, it was too soon for us to try again anyway. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck. I hope I'm wrong*. And if I'm not, I hope that I won't ever be in the situation where I have to be in a room with both of them at the same time because that would not be fun. Not fun at all. Probably, though, I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not. But what this post presupposes is: maybe I am? Maybe it just doesn't matter any more.

Things to remember (in no particular order):
-I'm smarter than 98% of Americans+. That buys me a rung.
-I'm funnier than most people. That buys me a rung.
-I'm a handsome individual with a body that receives attention. That's my rung starting point, we'll say 6.5.
-I'm well read--which is a rarity these days.
-I'm a pop-culture maven who's always on top of the good TV, Movies, and Music out there. This is nice.
-I'm fun to be around--from what most people tell me, anyway.
-I'm a renaissance man with extensive knowledge of everything from Shakespeare to astrophysics to music and philosophy.
-I write: poetry (which I've actually published, although nowhere special), fiction, criticism and journalism. Writers are hot, although they are also broke.
-I have a car I'm no longer embarassed of. This provides a nice boost in confidence when asking someone to go out or hang out or just giving a classmate a ride to the metro so they don't have to wait for the cue bus in the cold. ^
-I'm fun to talk to.
-I'm generally a laid back individual.
-I'm a grad student (see writers being broke, grad students are too).
-I am sympathetic and empathetic. As a result I give great advice and can help talk friends through problems, moments of high anxiety, distress, etc.
-I like to play outside. I like to hang inside. I can get along with nerds, jocks, drunks, straight edgers, book worms, film buffs, etc. This is because I'm an extremely adaptable person. This helps lead to the below. It also causes me to be pretty much happy wherever I am, with whomever I'm with, doing whatever the hell it is we're doing.
-People tell me they see a profound love for me in my friend's eyes. This makes me happy. Being liked isn't everything, but boy is it nice. I like feeling like people want me in their lives, like that without me their lives would be altered. This absolutely keeps me alive. As does the below.
-I love my mother. I love my father. I love my sisters. I think I'm a good brother. I let my sisters do their thing and treat them as peers more than people I have to protect, but that doesn't mean I'm not constantly watching their backs. I could probably be a better son...
-I'm not so much a jealous person as an impatient and stubborn one which leads to:
-The fact that I should know better than to put myself in a situation where I like someone who can't reciprocate those feelings. This has never worked for me in the past. Similar situations (like the ones involving Leigh and Kelly) had me liking them in absolute secret. Keeping them as friends because I always thought they were out of my league. Turns out, they were not. When I let my feelings be known and they aren't reciprocated (even at the times when I feel fate** is involved), I have a strong tendency to fail, and in so doing, to attempt to alienate that person, making things easier on myself. This is not a good thing.

That's a good enough list for now. the point: I don't give myself enough credit. I'm a good person and a cool one at that.

Things to forget/remember only because they are not good things which means remembering them only to forget them, in a way:
-That she ever had feelings for me in the first place. Probably impossible, but it would actually enable us to be cool, then anything I felt for her I could just pretend I don't stand a chance and enjoy her company even though I believe we'd never be together.
-Jealousy. Ugly in any shade. Almost always unnecessary and something that only plagues me with the people I desperately want/need.*** With Heather, this wasn't a problem. Guys wrote flirty messages on her facebook wall. She hung out with guy friends solo and sometimes even guys she said liked her solo (but she always made it clear that they weren't her type, which makes that easier), and I never thought anything was going on. Same with Karen. Same with Kelly, etc. In the Heather instance, was this because I knew completely that she only wanted me? Because I knew I was immune to her hurting me because I only passively wanted to be with her? What the hell is wrong with me? Or did this all start because I got a front row seat to Kilpo's hitting on Auds at the party? I think if I had seen that while I was at a party with Heather i would have been upset, but not crazy and lovesick as a result. Hmmmm. When I think about it, their gchatting never bothered me. Neither did them talking at parties. Yep, having to see that definitely made me feel threatened. Of course, I didn't have to react the way I did.****
-This whole situation. Not because I want to forget her. I don't. But if I don't put this out of my head for now, work will suffer, exercise will suffer, school will suffer. I WILL NOT sacrifice these things for a woman. I've learned that lesson. These are the important things in my life now. Not somebody who doesn't want to/can't be with me.
-All those negative thoughts that too often detract me from my "Things to remember" list. It's not fair for me to hate myself, despite all those glorious things above, because somebody is mad at me, because somebody doesn't want to be with me. There are dozens, literally, dozens of girls out there who would be stoked to be with me.*****
-Getting something off my chest because I'm afraid someone else has a better chance with someone I love is a)not effective, b)embarassing, c)stupid, d)insulting, e)childish, f)counter-productive. If they don't want to be with me, fuck them. They deserve no abundance of my time or attention. With some, this is harder than with others, but basically applies to anyone, as do most of the things on this list.
-The past. Yes, it's important to carry lessons with me, but not to cling to situations that may or may not have any bearing on the present. If other people want to live in the past, that's their problem. I've always been good at staying in the here and now. Live in the present. They say the past always repeats itself. This is true. This is true because so many of us suck at learning lessons from the past. Learn lessons from the past, don't let one-/two-time situations influence the way I perceive the present. Don't forget that I always felt that we kind of sucked at being cool for a year, and sucked when we got back together because she never got to see that other thing through. That was a truly unique situation--one firmly rooted in the past now. She saw it through and figured shit out. That's what I thought she needed, but by then the damage was both too severe and complete for the kind of reunion I was hoping for when she figured said things out. So it goes.
-That work just fucked me in the ass.
-That I have to move home because of the above, or go into debt for school. No debt for me, thanks. I'm already looking forward to helping pay off another person's debts in the future.++
-That her family, roommate, and friends strongly hate/dislike me. What they think doesn't matter. Only what she does. For some reason her roommate thinks I'm a stalker, which means that girl is either misinformed, or more shit is being talked than I thought. Either way, it doesn't matter. If she doesn't want to set the record straight, then that can just be another one of her friends I will never, ever meet.
-Every shitty thing I did to her or she did to me in the past. Again, dealing with the past. I didn't give her honesty enough credit this time around, and because of that couldn't completely trust her, although I did trust her damn near completely. The fucked up thing is I really believed she was being straight, and that she had learned that I would rather hear disconcerting news than have my feelings saved. I'm a person obsessed with facts, both trivial and non-trivial, in all aspects of my life. I HATE feeling like there is something, anything I don't know the answer to, even though I also don't mind admitting when I don't know the answer or when I am wrong.

That's enough for this list. Now to finish up around here, go home, read, read, read, blog for class, read, read, cry myself to sleep.+++



*I am definitely wrong. Too bad I only realize that now. Of course, even if something did happen, which it probably won't, at some future date and then she found her way back to me again, it's not like I would turn her away. Who am I kidding? Sure I would need some time to get past it and calm down, but I wouldn't hold it against her if she wanted to be with me. How could I possibly do that?
+I'm thinking of joining MENSA, not because I'm big on the elitist organization but because I would like to put it on CVs (at least for my applications to pretentious Ivy League institutions. Must confer with adviser first)
^And I can end sentences with prepositions for.
**I really don't believe in fate, but in some instances it becomes a suitable word for describing a situation or a person that you just feel was meant to happen and work out.
***And, as I'm learning now: You think you need someone, then you realize you don't. You only want them. Then you start to feel like you don't even want them anymore. Then you can move on to the next new thing, enjoy that new feeling, and get on with your life. In this case, I'm not sure if I'll ever stop wanting her, because she's just that special--a very rare fish in a sea otherwise populated with Tuna and Sardines and the occasional sunfish. Bah.
****I definitely didn't need to do that.
*****"There are dozens, literally dozens of us out there!" Tobias on being a never-nude.
++While I do have someone in mind, I would look forward to helping anyone I loved and who wanted to spend a lifetime with me pay down their debts as quickly as possible. Two kinds of people in the world: Those who pay interest. Those who earn it.
+++LOL, jk. I'm not going to cry myself to sleep. While I hate this, it's also a relief to know I may have the opportunity to be with someone I want to be with, that wants to be with me now. That's a nice feeling. And I deserve that. I definitely deserve that. I would have given her everything I have, the whole world and even the moon, but she didn't want them from me--maybe she would have accepted eventually, but also maybe not. Given the situation, I think we both knew that I was doomed to fail. Besides, why cry yourself to sleep when you can take your medicine, which could put a Rhino out for half a day. :-)


BONUS: Things to remember:
This is one of the coolest music videos I have ever seen. The stop-animation is unreal. And the lyrics, which I first thought were about someone living with cancer (they're not), are well-written and fitting. "Sun's been down for days...she pours a daydream in the cup, a spoon of sugar sweetens up...she fights for her life as she puts on her coat....and she fights for her life on the train, she looks at the rain as it pours...The thunder makes her contemplate, she hears a noise behind the gate, perhaps a letter with a dove, perhaps a stranger she could love."

This is a depressed-ass person, or for the sun to be down for days, they're at the rapture. But that doesn' fit because god, or jesus, or whatever diety that's going to come kill all us sinners is completely ignored.


Yeah, change the gender pronoun and its a song about me. Which is absolutely ridiculous.

I'm great. My life, despite recently taking a hit, is great! I shouldn't be fighting for my life (literal or figurative) at all. After the fights, the complete apathy on her part, after the slap-in-the-face thursday night, I should be saying, 'fuck a bitch, i'm out.'

But I can't. All I want to do is mend--using 2x4s and nails--a bridge that appears to be on fire. I just want to smooth things over, back off so she can have the space she needs, and see if time brings us together under circumstances where we can actually be good again, not jealous, or bitter over the past, not unforgiving, but absolutely loving, and in love, and Happy.

Some people in the world are just too important. The bridge may be burning and they may be far away on a distant shore, bridges just make things easier. I'll swim the river if I have to. I'll try to jump it. I'll build a plane with my own bare hands and fly across. With any luck, once I reach the other side, cooperation and mutual respect can lead to a bigger, better bridge's construction. But no, I won't walk away from that river or gorge or whatever the flaming bridge spans, not without a fight.

Those terrible Memes brought to you by me. You're welcome. But semi-seriously...

Tonight I caught up on some TV. I watched (in order): Eastbound and Down (from Sunday), Flight of the Conchords (from Sunday), The Office (From Thursday), 30 Rock (from Thursday), and Tim and Eric Awesome Show (From Sunday). Anyhow, one does not need to know me very well to know that these are five of my favorite on-the-air shows. Here is what I thought:

Eastbound and Down: OK, this show needed to grow on me, and after about three episodes, the characters, plot, setting and conflict were well enough established to keep me watching. The episode I watched tonight (tonight's episode, as will be used for all the above's references) featured Will Ferrel as Ashley [LastName] and actually had some redemption/good fortune for Kenny. All-in-all, it was a great episode, not the best this season, but by far the best developed.
You're growing on me like a tumor, B+

Flight of the Conchords basically fell off the cliff after the first season, which was hilarious. It isn't that the show has changed, but the fact that for the first season, Bret and Jemaine had already written all the best songs. This season lacks the musical brilliance of the first. However, this season still basically rocks, if for no other reason, because the storylines have been better constructed and more dead-pan than the first. I feel like going to one song per episode would help them out, but realize this isn't how the format of the show works. Overall, the show keeps its real charm, which lies in the plot and acting, while suffering because of quickly written, out-of-place-seeming songs. I give this shit a B-

More or less sub-par. That's how I would define The Office this season. Tonight's episode causes me to re-think such statements however. It absolutely rocked. Classic Dwight. Classic Jim. And classic Michael thanks to a plot that played directly into his character. The jokes were quick and hilarious. The plot had a classic-office twist to it. This was by far the best episode this season! Creed spoke one or two lines, but boy were they doozies. Characters, as always, didn't really develop, but it's a non-HBO sitcom. This isn't to be expected. I couldn't stop laughing which means, finally, the show did its job. Emm-effing A for The Office, that dee ess is off the effing chain.

Hello, my trustworthy friend, 30 Rock, you have never, ever failed to disappoint me. Tonight's episode was classic. This show is up there with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as the best show currently being broadcast. Never a dull moment. Ever character is absolutely unique (and far too aptly named). 30 Rock, I love you. As always, A+

I saw a few of the shorts from different episodes when I saw Tim and Eric Awesome Show--Great Job! live, but that doesn't mean this season's been spoiled. Tonight's episode was one of the funniest so far this season. Steve Brule showed us how to judge how horny a person is with some electrode-like devices and a little "tingle." Tim and Eric took it back to the '90s with their internet startup and, basically, it was classic Tim and Eric Awesome Show--Great Job!. Not the best, but far from the worst (which is still good, it's like saying a Tom Robbins' novel is bad--there's really no such thing as a bad Tom Robbin's novel) B+/A-

I didn't watch Big Love yet. The truth is, that show is seriously written, features incredible character development, and rings so damn true to my upbringing that I must save them. Last episode was second-to-last this season. I'm going to save those for: a rainy day, a triumphant day, or some other day that warrants their watching. Like I did with the last episode of Mad Men, but with two episodes instead of one. I'm just not feeling them right now, this season's TV is about to end--they can definitely wait for the right occasion. Heroes was old tonight, comes back next Monday. Lost is new on Wednesday. And those are all the shows I watch. That's the TV update. I expect your mind is mush--I know mine is! Konichiwa, bitches.

Looking forward to hearing Colie's band again on Thursday and a weekend filled with reading. Just what I've needed.

w00t

Because I’m reading James Joyce, I thought I would write an entry in that style about an old post I just stumbled upon. Oi.

Things moving swimmingly since yesterday. Only online, but still nice to. Quick chat. Nothing of consequence. Just consequences to. Today. A picture. Holding the pup. Furry little howler grown big since. Big greenbrown eyes. Hers. Swimming along nicely. Until I saw. Beautiful. None like her.. Sweetfunsmartnicecaringgirl. None like me too. Not such a good thing, none like me. Missing, but not lost. Miss her. Lost her. Mister Lauster wasted opportunities, sent dreams packing. No room left for dreams, just jealousies. Hope for change. Maybe time. Months at least. Maybe never. Red faced, wet faced – damage done. Maybe never. Space shirt too cute. So gone. My fault. Best move on.

And I have just been offered a new job! Was it the fact that my current boss told Sara and Sadie (my soon to be new bosses on the same half of the floor I currently work on) that I have never made a mistake? I haven't. Could it have been my super experience as Broadside editor and intern with that ridiculous magazine (it was really only ridiculous considering I was a 20-something male with no children), Preemie Magazine. Or maybe the fact that I rocked my interview and wrote one hell of a good article on PsycEXTRA. All of the above! Editorial Assistant (think editing, writing, and less administrative crap than I do now), HERE I COME. WOOT WOOT. Now it's time to celebrate :-(

Things to remember: Modest Mouse, triumphantly beating the rain for the Chuck signing, Kids in the Hall, Kate's hours, New York, New York again, countless movie nights at the theatre, countless movie nights at home, the rapport, and all the other good stuff that was canceled out by all the bad over the year.

Things to do:
Accept it as it is, and acknowledge that space is necessary, not to mention long overdue.
Get A's on the papers I am now working on.
Eventully finish this MA in lit.
Get this article written so I can get the editorial assistant job.
Get the editorial assistant job.
Start running and climbing regularly again.
Get my sexy back.
Enjoy spending time in the library, because I'm going to be there anyway.
Stop with the nail biting.
Stop with the smoking.
Stop with the other bad habits and detrimental behaviours (Yes, I did just go Canada all over everybody's ass with my spelling of behavior).
More TBA.

Fate fell short this time, smile fades in the summer.

Texas apportions delegates via a complicated system that gives Obama's voters more say than Clinton's. About two-thirds of the state's 193 delegates are awarded state Senate district by state Senate district. The delegates in each of those 31 districts are divvied up according to the popular vote within the district. However, those districts that reliably vote Democratic have more delegates.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I love the crazy system in which the primaries are held. Obama currently has a slight edge, and should definitely pull more delegates in Texas. Ohio is another story (especially with the whole leaked NAFTA thing). If Clinton can't take them both, it's over for her. Feel free to ask for absolutely in-depth analysis. Believe me, I know it.

In other news, I have a new place to live. And it is grand, even though it provides some anxiety about the end of this month. I have a door. Last night I was exhausted after moving, but panic attacked for a good two hours after going to bed. The only thing I have that could have countered it I left at my house, so I had to ride it out. Yeah, I fell asleep at 3 in the morning, maybe later. Go me!

I have also realized how addictive TV is and am actually quite glad I will only have a computer for watching stuff on in my room. I should be able to get a shit-ton more writing done now that my living room and bedroom aren't one and the same. Other than that, things are pretty damn good, except I'm beginning to feel illness creeping into my system. And I don't need that now. Not. at. all.

Your results:
You are Will Riker

Will Riker 80% James T. Kirk (Captain) 70% Jean-Luc Picard 55% Chekov 55% Geordi LaForge 45% Mr. Scott 45% Deanna Troi 45% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 45% Spock 44% Data 38% Uhura 35% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 35% Worf 30% Beverly Crusher 10% Mr. Sulu 10%

At times you are self-centered but you have many friends. You love many women, but the right woman could get you to settle down.

Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character am I?" quiz...

Ahhh, there is really nothing quite like the ER in the middle of the night.

It's 3 a.m. and I'm finally going to sleep.

That's four hours after I first climbed into bed.

I have to wake up around seven to go to work.

That's about four hours of sleep.

Bright sides:

Tomorrow is a short day.

I have a whole shit ton of pearls that can be worked into future stories. This was quite the unique experience.

Also, there is no immediate cause for worry. Everything is OK, kind of. Sort of.

Despite the immense good times I had on Saturday, Sunday makes me never want to drink again. I need to detox for the next several days. At least until Jim Gaffigan (wooooooo!) on Thursday. Oi.

NaNoWriMo starts today. Awesome. I got a little done last night, but opted to go veg out with Audrey and drink her Blue Moon and eat her pizza on the last night before I must dedicate myself to 50,000 words. I made the right choice. It was pretty chillin'. My new laptop has Windows Vista, and two hours after getting home, programs are installed and the horrible security features that come on it (that prevented me from obtaining character sheets and other docs on my desktop) are disabled or configured correctly. I'm going to finish meeting my characters and then it's off to the races. Except this race is a word-count race and I don't win lots of money if my horse wins. But that's ok because it is a nice kick in the pants to get some writing done. Here goes nothing. Wooooo!

Lately I've been talking about how much I hate my job, and need one that will pay me to write. In the meantime, I suppose I will spend my time writing here -- essentially getting paid to write for me. Not quite what I'm looking for, but it will suffice. Now all I need to do is figure out what to write about. Check back for more on that.